my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
