And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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