Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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