The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
