whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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