rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
