Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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