The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
