Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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