considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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