I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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