Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I won't apologize to a one balled man
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
