Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
