my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
