I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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