I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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