well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
