my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
