is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
