I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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