So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
