so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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