I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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