You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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