his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
