I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
