Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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