I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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