So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
