Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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