I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize