can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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