what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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