Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
