thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
