I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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