A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
