I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
