I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Damn victory sex feels great
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