i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
