My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I could make wine with my vomit
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
