i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
