I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
