i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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