So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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