I faked an abortion last night.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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