It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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