The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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