i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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