she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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