How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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